I guess I probably should've told him to begin with, but...I don't know. It feels kind of weird to start a conversation just to go "by the way, dating now."
[ ...it's not weird, Megumi, telling your friends about your personal life is the most normal conversation ever, but he's a private person who normally lives surrounded by busybodies. ]
I know. I wasn't trying to suggest you were. [ she'd only been teasing, really. ]
And Sharon did ask me about it, later, in private. I think I would have told her anyway, but ... you're right. It does feel strange...
[ how does one go to one's friends and say, hey, I have a significant other now? ]
I didn't have to tell Till or Ivan, actually. Even if they hadn't seen us at the party, they would have figured it out from how much you've been coming over.
[ of course, the same is true of Noah, but ...
sticky, cloying guilt and cold misgiving stab at her, and very likely pierce through to the murmur, too. she'll sigh. ]
[ an amazing question she would really love the answer to right this second, actually. which is to say: Oh No, He Noticed That.
startled, Lortel will pause. ]
... I haven't spoken to Noah about it. Though I can only assume he's guessed ...
[ he'd realize, wouldn't he, perhaps more than most people. he's one of the very few who knows what was going on between her and Sunny, after all.
the guilt gets much worse. her heart skips a beat.
a breath. ]
I'm fine, [ she murmurs, barely above a whisper. ] But I... there's something I've been meaning to tell you, actually...
[ ... the question is how.
its also occurring to her that it is a TERRIBLE idea to have this conversation via murmur, and yet can't help but worry what he'll think if she asks to see him now. ]
[ this is not at all how she expected this conversation to go. all she'd really wanted to do was tease him about his very sweet best friend.
though, she had been meaning to bring this up, one way or another. she just feels ... unprepared. and like she should have somehow known to wait to tell him the Yuji thing when they were in person, as if she could have predicted this... ]
[ He's quiet for a long moment, processing that. Turning it over in his head, looking at all the angles. But he keeps coming to the same thing, each time. ]
...when we first got here, that might've freaked me out. But after everything we've seen here, everything this place puts us through...
We're practically inside each others' heads on a daily basis, and we get pushed to our emotional limits. And considering that...I don't think there's much point in getting self-righteous about how we cope.
[ He can't ask her to not care, any more than she could expect him to stop caring about Yuji. And caring, in a place like this, where tethers are a necessity and the murmur lets so much more of everyone show through...it's all too easy for caring to become more. Maybe, eventually, it'll occur to him to examine why Yuji is the easiest mental comparison for him to jump to, when he's considering the complications of loving other people.
It's not like he can be everything she needs, anyway. ]
[ she waits with her heart in her throat the whole time, scared out of her wits and knowing that this is only fair. that, if she truly does care for him, then—this is something he deserves to know, and make a choice about.
that his choice is not to condemn her makes her burst into tears. it's brief; she's just relieved, and then immediately, immensely grateful. ]
I wouldn't have blamed you, [ she murmurs. outside the murmur, sitting on the edge of her bed, Lortel roughly wipes the tears off her face as she tries to convince her pounding heart to calm. ] No, I couldn't have. I...
[ ... ]
You're right, about the murmur and our tethers. They're why I realized... looking back, thinking about my feelings for Ed... I'm not sure I truly loved him. I thought I did. I really believed that... that's what love was. That was, until I started experiencing everyone else's emotions through the murmur.
[ everyone's rage, and fear, and desperation. concern, and compassion, and—well, love.
not just romantic, either. she'd never gotten to feel anyone's love or warmth before Manhattan, platonic or familial or any kind at all. the care and love of her friends—having friends, at all—had been just as earth shattering to her.
and, slowly, her mind had started to change about what love should be. ]
I still don't know if I really know what love is, or ... if I even understand my own feelings, sometimes. [ ... ]
But I decided something, after I came back. I didn't want to have any regrets.
[ ... if she were to leave, again. if she were to stay gone. ]
I don't know what I'm doing, [ she'll finally smile, hangdog. ] But I know that you make me happy, and I want to be with you. For as long as you'll have me.
I didn't... [ He trails off without finishing that thought, because he realizes that actually, he probably was (even if unintentionally), and she knows him well enough to easily call him out if he tries to deny it.
Just...as long as you know I'm not trying to be difficult about this.
[ It's a little sheepish. Life would certainly be simpler if he had some kind of a self-worth switch he could just -- flick, and see what it is she sees. ]
[ And here he is, worried that she'll try to take too much blame for his mental state.
Megumi's never been good at being happy to begin with, and that's nobody's fault...well, there are some people who could probably be said to have a hand in it, but it mostly just comes down to the horrible state of jujutsu society and probably a bad lack of serotonin. ]
Do you want me to come over?
[ Because, look. There may be a lot of things they can't fix, but that one is easy. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sometime in Feb. whenever really.
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I guess I probably should've told him to begin with, but...I don't know. It feels kind of weird to start a conversation just to go "by the way, dating now."
[ ...it's not weird, Megumi, telling your friends about your personal life is the most normal conversation ever, but he's a private person who normally lives surrounded by busybodies. ]
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[ she doesn't laugh, but the brightness and merry warmth of the murmur suggest laughter on her behalf. ]
My friends know, you know. I couldn't have kept it from Sharon even if I wanted to. She saw us at the party.
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[ He's just an antisocial dumdum and it doesn't occur to him to tell them about it. ]
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I know. I wasn't trying to suggest you were. [ she'd only been teasing, really. ]
And Sharon did ask me about it, later, in private. I think I would have told her anyway, but ... you're right. It does feel strange...
[ how does one go to one's friends and say, hey, I have a significant other now? ]
I didn't have to tell Till or Ivan, actually. Even if they hadn't seen us at the party, they would have figured it out from how much you've been coming over.
[ of course, the same is true of Noah, but ...
sticky, cloying guilt and cold misgiving stab at her, and very likely pierce through to the murmur, too. she'll sigh. ]
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But he catches that flicker of guilt. ]
You okay?
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startled, Lortel will pause. ]
... I haven't spoken to Noah about it. Though I can only assume he's guessed ...
[ he'd realize, wouldn't he, perhaps more than most people. he's one of the very few who knows what was going on between her and Sunny, after all.
the guilt gets much worse. her heart skips a beat.
a breath. ]
I'm fine, [ she murmurs, barely above a whisper. ] But I... there's something I've been meaning to tell you, actually...
[ ... the question is how.
its also occurring to her that it is a TERRIBLE idea to have this conversation via murmur, and yet can't help but worry what he'll think if she asks to see him now. ]
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[ With this build-up, it seems like it has to be pretty important... ]
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I... it's just that...
[ this is not at all how she expected this conversation to go. all she'd really wanted to do was tease him about his very sweet best friend.
though, she had been meaning to bring this up, one way or another. she just feels ... unprepared. and like she should have somehow known to wait to tell him the Yuji thing when they were in person, as if she could have predicted this... ]
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what on earth is she going to do if she drives him away? if he decides that—that this is all too much?
the words stumble, stuttering, out of her. ]
I'm not a virgin anymore, you know.
[ ... miserably, horribly embarrassed, she explains, in a small voice: ]
I was, when I first got here.
[ yeah that whole "paying taxes" post was absolutely brutal psychic damage. ]
1/2
Huh. ]
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...her prerogative, isn't it? Especially in a place like this, where everything runs rampant -- desires, appetites, emotions...
It's not like he hasn't noticed how many of the others are being very blasé about, er, taxation here. ]
Okay. [ But the hesitation -- ]
...did you think that...I'd think less of you for it?
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Maybe it's just that I think less of myself for it.
[ she'd been so judgmental about it all at the banquet. and even then, it had been nothing but gross hypocrisy. ]
... it isn't just that, anyway, though I really did worry I would ... [ at an absolute loss for words: ] —freak you out?
[ it also isn't like her to use Normal Teenage Slang, but here they are. ]
I...
[ terror. strong. she lapses into silence for an extended moment. ]
I'm still worried about that, actually, [ she'll whisper. ] That you won't want ... after what I have to say, that you'll ...
[ ....... ]
I've really been a coward, [ she mumbles, abjectly miserable. ]
I haven't been seeing anyone exclusively since I got here. ... even you.
[ and she is absolutely convinced that, if he broke up with her for it, it would be no more or less than what she deserved. ]
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...when we first got here, that might've freaked me out. But after everything we've seen here, everything this place puts us through...
We're practically inside each others' heads on a daily basis, and we get pushed to our emotional limits. And considering that...I don't think there's much point in getting self-righteous about how we cope.
[ He can't ask her to not care, any more than she could expect him to stop caring about Yuji. And caring, in a place like this, where tethers are a necessity and the murmur lets so much more of everyone show through...it's all too easy for caring to become more.
Maybe, eventually, it'll occur to him to examine why Yuji is the easiest mental comparison for him to jump to, when he's considering the complications of loving other people.It's not like he can be everything she needs, anyway. ]
So it's okay. I'm not mad.
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that his choice is not to condemn her makes her burst into tears. it's brief; she's just relieved, and then immediately, immensely grateful. ]
I wouldn't have blamed you, [ she murmurs. outside the murmur, sitting on the edge of her bed, Lortel roughly wipes the tears off her face as she tries to convince her pounding heart to calm. ] No, I couldn't have. I...
[ ... ]
You're right, about the murmur and our tethers. They're why I realized... looking back, thinking about my feelings for Ed... I'm not sure I truly loved him. I thought I did. I really believed that... that's what love was. That was, until I started experiencing everyone else's emotions through the murmur.
[ everyone's rage, and fear, and desperation. concern, and compassion, and—well, love.
not just romantic, either. she'd never gotten to feel anyone's love or warmth before Manhattan, platonic or familial or any kind at all. the care and love of her friends—having friends, at all—had been just as earth shattering to her.
and, slowly, her mind had started to change about what love should be. ]
I still don't know if I really know what love is, or ... if I even understand my own feelings, sometimes. [ ... ]
But I decided something, after I came back. I didn't want to have any regrets.
[ ... if she were to leave, again. if she were to stay gone. ]
I don't know what I'm doing, [ she'll finally smile, hangdog. ] But I know that you make me happy, and I want to be with you. For as long as you'll have me.
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[ Because what an awful thought, of anyone's mental well-being resting solely on a wreck like him, but he has the sense to keep that one to himself.
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sniff. ]
As long as you know that you do.
[ it's a good things he keeps that to himself, lest she get all over his case about it.
she blows out a sigh and flops back onto her bed, the back of one hand pressed to her forehead as she stares at her ceiling.
a slightly different problem is presenting itself, here. her mind has tracked back to how they got here: her conversation with Yuji. ]
Don't go thinking it's because you're not enough.
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So he adjusts course. ]
-- I'll try.
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[ gently. ]
Megumi. [ her frustration is palpable in the murmur. she hates they're not discussing this in person. ] It's me. Not you.
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[ It's a little sheepish. Life would certainly be simpler if he had some kind of a self-worth switch he could just -- flick, and see what it is she sees. ]
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[ ...
Lortel breathes out a slow sigh and commits to utter honesty, for once. ]
It would kill me if you were unhappy because of me. Because I made you feel like you weren't...
[ she makes a frustrated sound. ] I wish you were here.
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Megumi's never been good at being happy to begin with, and that's nobody's fault...well, there are some people who could probably be said to have a hand in it, but it mostly just comes down to the horrible state of jujutsu society and probably a bad lack of serotonin. ]
Do you want me to come over?
[ Because, look. There may be a lot of things they can't fix, but that one is easy. ]
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[ immediate and a little subdued. ]
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[ And it'll be a quick journey, since he's taking the shortcut of leapfrogging between the shadows to cut the travel time. ]
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only insomuch as she's waiting outside the Blue Note, for once, wrapped in a long, fluffy cardigan as she leans in the doorway and waits for him.
he can always get to her faster than she can get to him. sometimes a source of frustration, for her.
when she spots him on their street she'll stand straight, watching as he approaches.
... before, perhaps, she would have held back. not wanted to commit, so that she couldn't be disappointed by her own expectations.
but this—he is worthy of her trust.
terrified, still, of rejection, of rebuke, of abandonment—
she simply holds open her arms without a word. ]
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