What's he even going to do with that information. Megumi doesn't know what to do with any of it. ]
...I guess it explains some things.
[ The odd level of interest. The lurking around...except it doesn't really explain too many other things, because Megumi's lived his life under the assumption that his father probably doesn't know or care what's going on with him anymore.
And yet. Whatever it was that he felt linking them, when he clung onto that tether like a lifeline -- he's not sure what to call it, but he knows the last thing he can call it is apathy. ]
I knew, [ He starts, the low thrum of his emotions as clear as they've always been, even without the tether. This connection just gives them new dimension, one he doesn't withhold anymore. ] but not enough to make any of it make sense for you.
[ He doesn't have the words to explain. He doesn't have to words to make it better, or even right. Subaru could cut through the ruin, but his reach only extended so far. Would Toji have tethered to him if Subaru didn't guide his hand?
He has no way of knowing. He didn't give him a choice. Neither of them could have cleaved through the moon's influence alone. ]
I chose to involve him because I knew I didn't want to lose sight of you.
[ He's not mad at Subaru -- not in a way that'll last, anyway. Subaru had to make a tough decision in a heartbeat's span of time, without the context for what it really meant.
Without the context for what it meant to Megumi, at least. ]
...he wasn't around much, even before he left completely. I saw more of whatever woman he brought home that month than I did of him. Tsumiki's mom lasted longer than most of them, but she left too.
It was after that, that we found out I was being sold to the Zenin clan.
[ So he drew the obvious conclusion from the facts at hand. Maybe it wasn't the conclusion that should be obvious to a six-year-old, but Megumi had already learned to define his father by his absence, not by his presence. He had the chance to make it permanent, so why wouldn't he have gone for it? ]
[ Around him, their tether colors the Murmur in the soft vigilance of his emotions. Connections forming, coalescing, tracing understanding in light shapes and empathy.
Here is a boy with all the potential in the world, stuck between two familial waypoints that won't guarantee his happiness in either direction. ]
You mentioned the Zenin to me once. [ When they first met. Subaru remembers everything people say to him, and briefly the memory that Megumi's subconscious threw to light pulses within him, given new context. Politcs, power. ] When you said that you weren't granted access to the full scale of your technique, it was because that man kept the transaction from going through, wasn't it?
[ The word sounds so ugly in his mouth. Subaru doesn't hide his distaste for it. ]
[ He'd...like to know, because the older he gets the more certain he is that there was more than just money on the table. Gojo hadn't been willing to go into details when he was six, but maybe he'd be willing to say more now. If they manage to get home, and get him out of the Prison Realm.
One thing at a time. ]
The Gojo and the Zenin have been on bad terms for centuries, as I understand it. But I'm sure this didn't help. [ Gojo annoys people even when he's not trying to, and "if Gojo thinks he can train a Ten Shadows user better than we can, then let him try...on his own" is exactly the kind of petty bullshit Megumi's come to expect from the upper echelons of jujutsu society in general and the Zenin in particular. ]
[ He'd know a thing or two about that. A centuries-long blood feud... only Subaru had been the one to blur the lines. ]
No, I'm sure it didn't. [ A family in power will do anything to secure it. Including buying a child, burning its alliances, murdering its opposing heirs. Subaru stares long and unfocused at the cigarette burning to ash in his hand where he sits in real time. ] Even with this bond, I can't imagine what it is you're feeling right now.
[ It had been simple enough when he thought it was just about apathy and money. Get rid of an unwanted burden, make a few bucks in the process. But that doesn't match what he was feeling through the tether with Toji.
If Toji cared all along, then what was the point?
And why does Megumi care if Toji cared? He's always told himself that he doesn't care, that the people he shares blood with are irrelevant and it's the people who have actually been in his life that matter.
[ The Murmur weaves quiet around him, like tendrils of smoke. Some clarity finally cuts through the haze, like an inhalation, a centering of the heart. ]
In my time as an onmyouji, [ a word he states as a matter-of-fact, devoid of pride or fondness. ] I've witnessed more human emotions than I can ever presume to understand. From people who are alive to those who've passed on... even if someone were to go through a situation so similar to mine that it'd seem impossible, I wouldn't be able to know how they truly feel.
[ Hokuto had always instilled that in him, as his twin. But he finds it to ring true, even now. ]
People make decisions and chase what they wish for knowing they're the only ones who understand why. And I've rarely...
[ A pause, because there is truth and there is hurt so deeply embroiled in these words, but he knows their importance and speaks them anyway. ]
...if ever, seen someone take a path that was capable of making everyone happy.
[ Some don't even choose to make one person, no matter how important, happy. Some people choose destruction, misunderstanding, cruelty. Others are simply prey to those whims. Intention matters so little. Awareness for this presses through the weight of his emotions, freely given in this one instance. ]
Knowing what you know now, you can choose to do whatever it is that you feel is right. You can hate him, you can try to understand what it is he meant by his actions. But when you decide...
I hope it's a choice that leaves you without regret, so you can go on living. Even here.
[ Maybe there wasn't a path that would've made everyone happy. Maybe there wasn't even a path that would make Megumi happy...
He could've at least tried. ]
I don't know what feels right.
[ He knows what he wants to feel right. He wants to not give a damn. He wants to go back to not having any idea where his father was or what he was doing. Resenting a vague fuzzy memory was easy. Uncomplicated.
Knowing just enough to complicate things, though... ]
Would he even stay put to answer questions if I asked them? [ He's spotted Toji here and there. Always at a distance, always ducking out of the way as soon as Megumi turns in his general direction. ]
[ Of course, Subaru knows it's easier said than done when it comes to a man of Toji's avoidant prowess. How Toji reacts to Subaru and how he reacts to Megumi are two separate instances, and there's no guaranteeing anything he does from here on out will actually benefit the situation.
But his resolve to do what he can does steel through the tether, warm and silvery, even if he doesn't "speak" his intention aloud. ]
[ As usual, Subaru has a way of cutting through his anxieties and making him feel a little less adrift. It's not a guarantee -- nothing ever is -- but it's a chance.
A chance to do what, he's still not sure. ]
...thanks. [ For pulling him back to his right mind, for helping him with this. For showing up. ]
[ He shares responsibility for it, knowing what he knows, acting how he acted. Maybe it was selfishness that drove him in part — he was unwilling to leave Megumi to the fate of the moon. Even if he knew what would happen when all was said and done, what would be revealed to him by the bond he forced as a means to an end.
In that vein, he ventures: ]
What do you think of it? Being tethered to me.
[ And therein, unspoken: is it something he wishes to keep or to cast aside? ]
[ You can't just put a tsun on the spot like that, senpai...
But even if Megumi is bad at actually putting words to what he's feeling, the feedback from the tether says what he's not sure how to express. There's warmth there. He feels comfortable around Subaru. Safe.
There have never been many things in Megumi's life that he can say that about. ]
[ Even if he's unable to speak the words aloud, the sentiment is clear. He can accept that, even knowing the circumstances that he had to make the decision in. ]
[ It hasn't really been an issue yet, but it's only logical that if good feelings flow back and forth, bad ones must be able to follow the same path, and he knows all too well the kinds of things that negative emotions can turn into. ]
I've been alright. [ The truth, comparatively. But also the faint tinge of exhaustion one would expect of the month's trials. ] The opportunity to exercise this new magic has been...
[ Somewhat flatly: ]
Generous. But I've seen others go through much worse.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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How are you feeling?
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I'm... [ Physically okay, mentally still all there even if confused, emotionally where to even begin. ] I'm managing, I guess.
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[ He stops. He still can't quite say it out loud. Like it's the last thing that keeps it from being real. ]
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Yes, I did.
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What's he even going to do with that information. Megumi doesn't know what to do with any of it. ]
...I guess it explains some things.
[ The odd level of interest. The lurking around...except it doesn't really explain too many other things, because Megumi's lived his life under the assumption that his father probably doesn't know or care what's going on with him anymore.
And yet. Whatever it was that he felt linking them, when he clung onto that tether like a lifeline -- he's not sure what to call it, but he knows the last thing he can call it is apathy. ]
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[ He doesn't have the words to explain. He doesn't have to words to make it better, or even right. Subaru could cut through the ruin, but his reach only extended so far. Would Toji have tethered to him if Subaru didn't guide his hand?
He has no way of knowing. He didn't give him a choice. Neither of them could have cleaved through the moon's influence alone. ]
I chose to involve him because I knew I didn't want to lose sight of you.
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[ He's not mad at Subaru -- not in a way that'll last, anyway. Subaru had to make a tough decision in a heartbeat's span of time, without the context for what it really meant.
Without the context for what it meant to Megumi, at least. ]
...he wasn't around much, even before he left completely. I saw more of whatever woman he brought home that month than I did of him. Tsumiki's mom lasted longer than most of them, but she left too.
It was after that, that we found out I was being sold to the Zenin clan.
[ So he drew the obvious conclusion from the facts at hand. Maybe it wasn't the conclusion that should be obvious to a six-year-old, but Megumi had already learned to define his father by his absence, not by his presence. He had the chance to make it permanent, so why wouldn't he have gone for it? ]
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Here is a boy with all the potential in the world, stuck between two familial waypoints that won't guarantee his happiness in either direction. ]
You mentioned the Zenin to me once. [ When they first met. Subaru remembers everything people say to him, and briefly the memory that Megumi's subconscious threw to light pulses within him, given new context. Politcs, power. ] When you said that you weren't granted access to the full scale of your technique, it was because that man kept the transaction from going through, wasn't it?
[ The word sounds so ugly in his mouth. Subaru doesn't hide his distaste for it. ]
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[ He'd...like to know, because the older he gets the more certain he is that there was more than just money on the table. Gojo hadn't been willing to go into details when he was six, but maybe he'd be willing to say more now. If they manage to get home, and get him out of the Prison Realm.
One thing at a time. ]
The Gojo and the Zenin have been on bad terms for centuries, as I understand it. But I'm sure this didn't help. [ Gojo annoys people even when he's not trying to, and "if Gojo thinks he can train a Ten Shadows user better than we can, then let him try...on his own" is exactly the kind of petty bullshit Megumi's come to expect from the upper echelons of jujutsu society in general and the Zenin in particular. ]
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No, I'm sure it didn't. [ A family in power will do anything to secure it. Including buying a child, burning its alliances, murdering its opposing heirs. Subaru stares long and unfocused at the cigarette burning to ash in his hand where he sits in real time. ] Even with this bond, I can't imagine what it is you're feeling right now.
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[ It had been simple enough when he thought it was just about apathy and money. Get rid of an unwanted burden, make a few bucks in the process. But that doesn't match what he was feeling through the tether with Toji.
If Toji cared all along, then what was the point?
And why does Megumi care if Toji cared? He's always told himself that he doesn't care, that the people he shares blood with are irrelevant and it's the people who have actually been in his life that matter.
He doesn't want to care about this. ]
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In my time as an onmyouji, [ a word he states as a matter-of-fact, devoid of pride or fondness. ] I've witnessed more human emotions than I can ever presume to understand. From people who are alive to those who've passed on... even if someone were to go through a situation so similar to mine that it'd seem impossible, I wouldn't be able to know how they truly feel.
[ Hokuto had always instilled that in him, as his twin. But he finds it to ring true, even now. ]
People make decisions and chase what they wish for knowing they're the only ones who understand why. And I've rarely...
[ A pause, because there is truth and there is hurt so deeply embroiled in these words, but he knows their importance and speaks them anyway. ]
...if ever, seen someone take a path that was capable of making everyone happy.
[ Some don't even choose to make one person, no matter how important, happy. Some people choose destruction, misunderstanding, cruelty. Others are simply prey to those whims. Intention matters so little. Awareness for this presses through the weight of his emotions, freely given in this one instance. ]
Knowing what you know now, you can choose to do whatever it is that you feel is right. You can hate him, you can try to understand what it is he meant by his actions. But when you decide...
I hope it's a choice that leaves you without regret, so you can go on living. Even here.
[ Maybe especially here. ]
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He could've at least tried. ]
I don't know what feels right.
[ He knows what he wants to feel right. He wants to not give a damn. He wants to go back to not having any idea where his father was or what he was doing. Resenting a vague fuzzy memory was easy. Uncomplicated.
Knowing just enough to complicate things, though... ]
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[ There's no ire or expectation in his words. He means them, even in the heart-shattering understanding of the sentiment. ]
But there is no way to unknow something.
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Would he even stay put to answer questions if I asked them? [ He's spotted Toji here and there. Always at a distance, always ducking out of the way as soon as Megumi turns in his general direction. ]
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[ Of course, Subaru knows it's easier said than done when it comes to a man of Toji's avoidant prowess. How Toji reacts to Subaru and how he reacts to Megumi are two separate instances, and there's no guaranteeing anything he does from here on out will actually benefit the situation.
But his resolve to do what he can does steel through the tether, warm and silvery, even if he doesn't "speak" his intention aloud. ]
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A chance to do what, he's still not sure. ]
...thanks. [ For pulling him back to his right mind, for helping him with this. For showing up. ]
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[ He shares responsibility for it, knowing what he knows, acting how he acted. Maybe it was selfishness that drove him in part — he was unwilling to leave Megumi to the fate of the moon. Even if he knew what would happen when all was said and done, what would be revealed to him by the bond he forced as a means to an end.
In that vein, he ventures: ]
What do you think of it? Being tethered to me.
[ And therein, unspoken: is it something he wishes to keep or to cast aside? ]
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[ You can't just put a tsun on the spot like that, senpai...
But even if Megumi is bad at actually putting words to what he's feeling, the feedback from the tether says what he's not sure how to express. There's warmth there. He feels comfortable around Subaru. Safe.
There have never been many things in Megumi's life that he can say that about. ]
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[ Even if he's unable to speak the words aloud, the sentiment is clear. He can accept that, even knowing the circumstances that he had to make the decision in. ]
As long as you think so, too.
[ That "too" being pointed. ]
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God, at this rate he might actually start to develop a sense of self-esteem. ]
I do. So...
[ So it's fine. The whole Toji thing may have been like getting suddenly doused with a bucket of cold water, but he doesn't blame Subaru for that. ]
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I'm just glad you're alright.
[ That much is woven into his tether by instinct. He makes no attempt to hide it. ]
Still, be careful. Some of the energy is calming, but not all of it.
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[ It hasn't really been an issue yet, but it's only logical that if good feelings flow back and forth, bad ones must be able to follow the same path, and he knows all too well the kinds of things that negative emotions can turn into. ]
How have you been holding up?
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[ Somewhat flatly: ]
Generous. But I've seen others go through much worse.
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