[ The Murmur weaves quiet around him, like tendrils of smoke. Some clarity finally cuts through the haze, like an inhalation, a centering of the heart. ]
In my time as an onmyouji, [ a word he states as a matter-of-fact, devoid of pride or fondness. ] I've witnessed more human emotions than I can ever presume to understand. From people who are alive to those who've passed on... even if someone were to go through a situation so similar to mine that it'd seem impossible, I wouldn't be able to know how they truly feel.
[ Hokuto had always instilled that in him, as his twin. But he finds it to ring true, even now. ]
People make decisions and chase what they wish for knowing they're the only ones who understand why. And I've rarely...
[ A pause, because there is truth and there is hurt so deeply embroiled in these words, but he knows their importance and speaks them anyway. ]
...if ever, seen someone take a path that was capable of making everyone happy.
[ Some don't even choose to make one person, no matter how important, happy. Some people choose destruction, misunderstanding, cruelty. Others are simply prey to those whims. Intention matters so little. Awareness for this presses through the weight of his emotions, freely given in this one instance. ]
Knowing what you know now, you can choose to do whatever it is that you feel is right. You can hate him, you can try to understand what it is he meant by his actions. But when you decide...
I hope it's a choice that leaves you without regret, so you can go on living. Even here.
[ Maybe there wasn't a path that would've made everyone happy. Maybe there wasn't even a path that would make Megumi happy...
He could've at least tried. ]
I don't know what feels right.
[ He knows what he wants to feel right. He wants to not give a damn. He wants to go back to not having any idea where his father was or what he was doing. Resenting a vague fuzzy memory was easy. Uncomplicated.
Knowing just enough to complicate things, though... ]
Would he even stay put to answer questions if I asked them? [ He's spotted Toji here and there. Always at a distance, always ducking out of the way as soon as Megumi turns in his general direction. ]
[ Of course, Subaru knows it's easier said than done when it comes to a man of Toji's avoidant prowess. How Toji reacts to Subaru and how he reacts to Megumi are two separate instances, and there's no guaranteeing anything he does from here on out will actually benefit the situation.
But his resolve to do what he can does steel through the tether, warm and silvery, even if he doesn't "speak" his intention aloud. ]
[ As usual, Subaru has a way of cutting through his anxieties and making him feel a little less adrift. It's not a guarantee -- nothing ever is -- but it's a chance.
A chance to do what, he's still not sure. ]
...thanks. [ For pulling him back to his right mind, for helping him with this. For showing up. ]
[ He shares responsibility for it, knowing what he knows, acting how he acted. Maybe it was selfishness that drove him in part — he was unwilling to leave Megumi to the fate of the moon. Even if he knew what would happen when all was said and done, what would be revealed to him by the bond he forced as a means to an end.
In that vein, he ventures: ]
What do you think of it? Being tethered to me.
[ And therein, unspoken: is it something he wishes to keep or to cast aside? ]
[ You can't just put a tsun on the spot like that, senpai...
But even if Megumi is bad at actually putting words to what he's feeling, the feedback from the tether says what he's not sure how to express. There's warmth there. He feels comfortable around Subaru. Safe.
There have never been many things in Megumi's life that he can say that about. ]
[ Even if he's unable to speak the words aloud, the sentiment is clear. He can accept that, even knowing the circumstances that he had to make the decision in. ]
[ It hasn't really been an issue yet, but it's only logical that if good feelings flow back and forth, bad ones must be able to follow the same path, and he knows all too well the kinds of things that negative emotions can turn into. ]
I've been alright. [ The truth, comparatively. But also the faint tinge of exhaustion one would expect of the month's trials. ] The opportunity to exercise this new magic has been...
[ Somewhat flatly: ]
Generous. But I've seen others go through much worse.
[ His experience with any power built around words is that there's a knife's edge between "so broad it's insanely useful/powerful" and "so broad that using it is dangerous." Which is to say...cursed speech is a hell of a drug. ]
[ So grabbing a stick and writing in the dirt would do it, but if runes and sigils are involved, purely spoken words don't sound like they'd meet the criteria.
...which is fine, he likes being able to have conversations with Subaru that aren't expressed in rice ball ingredients. ]
[ Not that the elemental powers aren't their own kind of flexible, but everything has to be approached from the lens of "how can I make this relate to my element, so I can bend it in that direction." Language doesn't have that limitation. Language...just needs you to have the words for what you want to do. ]
[ Correct! A warm sort of resonance flows naturally through the tether, much stronger than anything previously conveyed over the Murmur's ambience. ]
In a city like Tokyo, they were better employed for communication or reconnaissance. I can create likenesses with sigils and paper, but I wouldn't call it my true shikigami.
[ It lacks the bond of spirit. But they are still comforting to have around. ]
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In my time as an onmyouji, [ a word he states as a matter-of-fact, devoid of pride or fondness. ] I've witnessed more human emotions than I can ever presume to understand. From people who are alive to those who've passed on... even if someone were to go through a situation so similar to mine that it'd seem impossible, I wouldn't be able to know how they truly feel.
[ Hokuto had always instilled that in him, as his twin. But he finds it to ring true, even now. ]
People make decisions and chase what they wish for knowing they're the only ones who understand why. And I've rarely...
[ A pause, because there is truth and there is hurt so deeply embroiled in these words, but he knows their importance and speaks them anyway. ]
...if ever, seen someone take a path that was capable of making everyone happy.
[ Some don't even choose to make one person, no matter how important, happy. Some people choose destruction, misunderstanding, cruelty. Others are simply prey to those whims. Intention matters so little. Awareness for this presses through the weight of his emotions, freely given in this one instance. ]
Knowing what you know now, you can choose to do whatever it is that you feel is right. You can hate him, you can try to understand what it is he meant by his actions. But when you decide...
I hope it's a choice that leaves you without regret, so you can go on living. Even here.
[ Maybe especially here. ]
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He could've at least tried. ]
I don't know what feels right.
[ He knows what he wants to feel right. He wants to not give a damn. He wants to go back to not having any idea where his father was or what he was doing. Resenting a vague fuzzy memory was easy. Uncomplicated.
Knowing just enough to complicate things, though... ]
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[ There's no ire or expectation in his words. He means them, even in the heart-shattering understanding of the sentiment. ]
But there is no way to unknow something.
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Would he even stay put to answer questions if I asked them? [ He's spotted Toji here and there. Always at a distance, always ducking out of the way as soon as Megumi turns in his general direction. ]
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[ Of course, Subaru knows it's easier said than done when it comes to a man of Toji's avoidant prowess. How Toji reacts to Subaru and how he reacts to Megumi are two separate instances, and there's no guaranteeing anything he does from here on out will actually benefit the situation.
But his resolve to do what he can does steel through the tether, warm and silvery, even if he doesn't "speak" his intention aloud. ]
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A chance to do what, he's still not sure. ]
...thanks. [ For pulling him back to his right mind, for helping him with this. For showing up. ]
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[ He shares responsibility for it, knowing what he knows, acting how he acted. Maybe it was selfishness that drove him in part — he was unwilling to leave Megumi to the fate of the moon. Even if he knew what would happen when all was said and done, what would be revealed to him by the bond he forced as a means to an end.
In that vein, he ventures: ]
What do you think of it? Being tethered to me.
[ And therein, unspoken: is it something he wishes to keep or to cast aside? ]
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[ You can't just put a tsun on the spot like that, senpai...
But even if Megumi is bad at actually putting words to what he's feeling, the feedback from the tether says what he's not sure how to express. There's warmth there. He feels comfortable around Subaru. Safe.
There have never been many things in Megumi's life that he can say that about. ]
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[ Even if he's unable to speak the words aloud, the sentiment is clear. He can accept that, even knowing the circumstances that he had to make the decision in. ]
As long as you think so, too.
[ That "too" being pointed. ]
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God, at this rate he might actually start to develop a sense of self-esteem. ]
I do. So...
[ So it's fine. The whole Toji thing may have been like getting suddenly doused with a bucket of cold water, but he doesn't blame Subaru for that. ]
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I'm just glad you're alright.
[ That much is woven into his tether by instinct. He makes no attempt to hide it. ]
Still, be careful. Some of the energy is calming, but not all of it.
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[ It hasn't really been an issue yet, but it's only logical that if good feelings flow back and forth, bad ones must be able to follow the same path, and he knows all too well the kinds of things that negative emotions can turn into. ]
How have you been holding up?
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[ Somewhat flatly: ]
Generous. But I've seen others go through much worse.
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[ Well. He doesn't have to imagine too hard...although he's also kept his nose out of the cathedral, despite the weird pull he feels from it.
All the more reason not to trust anything he might find there, really. ]
Does it have much in common with the kind you practiced at home?
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It does. Like you, I possess something similar to onmyoudo. It seems to be a magic of languages.
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[ His experience with any power built around words is that there's a knife's edge between "so broad it's insanely useful/powerful" and "so broad that using it is dangerous." Which is to say...cursed speech is a hell of a drug. ]
Only written? Or does it extend to verbal?
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[ So grabbing a stick and writing in the dirt would do it, but if runes and sigils are involved, purely spoken words don't sound like they'd meet the criteria.
...which is fine, he likes being able to have conversations with Subaru that aren't expressed in rice ball ingredients. ]
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That's right. I'm still working out the details. But it is familiar, in a sense.
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[ Not that the elemental powers aren't their own kind of flexible, but everything has to be approached from the lens of "how can I make this relate to my element, so I can bend it in that direction." Language doesn't have that limitation. Language...just needs you to have the words for what you want to do. ]
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Wards, barriers, purification, and elemental spells are all useable. I've also created an approximation of my shikigami.
[ He's a workaholic. If you couldn't guess. ]
Scrying is less reliable, but not impossible.
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What's your shikigami's form?
[ ...yeah, he has a Bias, so sue him. ]
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Birds, mostly. I don't call on its main body for combat often.
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[ Even as much as Megumi calls on Nue to fight, there are so many other things a flying shikigami is great for. ]
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In a city like Tokyo, they were better employed for communication or reconnaissance. I can create likenesses with sigils and paper, but I wouldn't call it my true shikigami.
[ It lacks the bond of spirit. But they are still comforting to have around. ]
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